Here I am . . .

First off, let me apologize for not writing more often. I didn't realize that my blog meant that much until people started asking me for an update! I'm flattered and now feel a little more pressure to keep it up! So, here I am, finally!

I've been trying to figure out what has kept me away from the blog for so many weeks, but I can't put my finger on it. My mind feels so full of thoughts, hopes, dreams, and fears as we wait for our baby boys to arrive. I don't think I could land on one thing to talk about so I just didn't write anything. Even now, I'm not sure what to say, so please forgive the rambling. :)

be willing to believe in miracles!

I know most of you just want to know how the pregnancy is going, and we could't be more grateful for what has been an uneventful, twin pregnancy. This week we are 30 weeks along! Our boys have been flipping around inside Cathy's belly for weeks, so we hope they settle head-down before delivery. If they don't, we could be looking at a c-section. Lots of people ask me if our carrier has children of her own. Yes, she has three. An eleven year old and seven year old twins. So, she and I both have done the twin thing before and neither of us has had to have a cesarean. We really hope that doesn't change! We have also worried about pre-term labor as this is very common with twins, and our carrier in particular, but there have been no indicators of any labor happening any time soon! (This, I believe, is a gift from God! Please keep the prayers coming, we REALLY want to take these boys home with little to no NICU time.)

happy easter!

While we wait for these little miracles to arrive, we have been super busy nesting and trying to enjoy our last days with just Charlie and Sofie. We had a really nice Easter. I've been singing with the band at church and I just love it! It's seriously a bucket list kind of thing for me. (Although my dream was to sing backup for James Taylor, I'll take this instead!) I'm also busy decorating the baby's room. It's been a challenge to get started with this. Decorating means it's really happening. Decorating means that if things don't work out, I will have to undo what I did. This was one of the worst things about Mila's death. I had planned, organized, and decorated for this little girl, and she never came home. So, this time we have bought very little. We got car seats this weekend and I bought a changing table from Craigslist that I painted a sunny yellow color. That's about it. We had a lot of baby stuff from Charlie, Sofie, and Mila, so there isn't a lot we need yet, besides two cribs. (Charlie and Sofie's cribs were recalled several years ago and we had to get Mila's crib out of the house right away as it was one of the most painful sights when I came home from the hospital.) I have a few pictures of my progress in the boy's room, but the cell phone I'm using right now is a dinosaur and takes awful pictures. What you can't really see in the photos below is that the walls used to be a rich orange color and are now a light, airy turquoise. The pocket door between the nursery and the kitchen has been painted with chalkboard paint for baby doodles. The bottom picture also shows the changing table (which still needs a charcoal gray cover to match my decor). It's all coming together and it makes me pretty psyched to welcome our boys home.

orange walls (i loved this color!) 

light and fresh, but still a work in progress.

So, I think that's all I have for now. Waiting to see if everything works out okay is so hard, but I'm trying to imagine it all working out just fine. Our sweet Charlie said to me recently, "Mommy, I KNOW that these babies are not going to die like Mila did." Ughh. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. How did he know exactly what I was thinking? It's what I'm always thinking! What if these babies die? What if just one of them dies? My therapist explained it so well to me the other day. It's like the world is asking Chris and I to get back on the scariest, most horrifying roller coaster we have ever been on. Only this time, we are blind-folded and we don't quite know how the ride ends. We are preparing for the ride of our lives. We are excited and terrified. We believe, however, that we will get off. The ride will come to an end. And there, our babies will be waiting for us.

Thanks again for reading, and for your love and prayers.

Talk to you soon,
Laura

a new year

I feel so guilty for not updating the blog sooner. I don't have any particular excuse, other than I was just living life . . . my humble, surprising, and blessed life. Let's get right to the good stuff!

Our babies are now at 20 weeks gestation and they are both doing great! Our gestational carrier, Cathy, is doing such an awesome job. I know she doesn't want a lot of recognition for what she is doing, but she is amazing! I couldn't have asked for a more humble, considerate person to carry our babies. She guards our babies with her life and then gives all of the glory to God. What a blessing she is!

We had our 2nd trimester screen today and our little guys are perfect! Yes, we found out back at around 14 weeks that we are having two boys! Take a peek at our newest miracles:

Our future gymnast . . .

This little guy was so photogenic!

Words can't describe how we feel now that we are almost half way through the pregnancy. There's a pretty good chance that things are going to be fine, despite the fact that we are still in total awe that this worked. Honestly, I'm terrified. I've been hurt so deeply by Mila's death that I can't imagine things being this easy, but I look to God and He gives me rest and He gives me peace.

I get anxious and afraid when we have to do really grown up things like write out our will so that these babies, as well as Charlie and Sofie, are cared for if something happened to Chris and I. Or when we have to hand over thousands of dollars at a time, hoping it's not all for nothing. I haven't really wanted to buy any baby clothes, toys, furniture, or gear. But then I felt so great after today's appointment that I picked up a set of little, coordinating sleepers to bring our boys home in. Like I said, we've been burned and traumatized so badly in the past that it's hard to know when to let go and when to hold my breath. I'm kind of just trusting my gut in any given moment. Today my gut told me to get ready.

We are very aware that the next four months or are going to fly by as we enjoy the 2nd half of Charlie and Sofie's kindergarten year, start making room for two more people in our three bedroom, one bathroom rambler, and try to be present in our home, work, and church life. I've been trying to remind myself that the world can't stop for me just because my baby died, I almost died, and now another woman is carrying our new babies. My goal each day is to make sure I breathe, listen to God, see his mercy all around me, and hold my head up towards Him and my baby girl, Mila. It is her life, her presence, that makes this all possible.

While we enjoy our extraordinary situation, some real life things have taken place as well. We spent many months trying to place our dogs, Molly and Wesley, in new homes. After they were placed in foster homes and then adopted, we realized how miserable Charlie had been living with two dogs. His allergy symptoms and asthma have improved by leaps and bounds! My heart aches for our doggies and I still forget some times that they aren't here anymore, but I know that life with four children and two aging dogs would have been more than we could handle. I think we made the right choice for our family.

Most recently, my grandma, Marian Klaseus passed away after being hospitalized with pneumonia and heart failure. She lived a full, ninety three years. I felt a lot of peace at her passing, surprisingly. I think it's because I truly believe that she is now in a better place. She was a loyal, faithful woman. It was time for her to go, and I asked Mila to meet her when she arrived in Heaven. I'm sure she wasn't alone. My sweet Grandma, Charlie and Sofie's Great Grandma Marian, will be missed. Mila's life and death have taught me to believe that we all have a purpose here on earth. For some, it takes only nine months. For others, it takes ninety years. 

Grandma Marian and Charlie at about 2 months old.

I can only promise that the coming weeks are going to be busier than ever. I will try to keep up, but no worries if I don't, ok?

Lastly, many thanks to EVERYONE who has been following our story and sending positive energy, prayers, and support. We are so blessed by all of you!

Love,

Laura

Patience . . .

My dear friends and family,

Thank you so much for your respectful patience. Chris and I have needed time to rest with the idea that we might just have another baby, or two, in the house. Yes, you read that right. I said two. Our gestational carrier is pregnant with twins! God willing, we will have two babies arriving late spring, 2013.

"I will sing the Lord's praise for He has been good to me."
Psalm 13:6

The day the nurse called to tell me that we were pregnant, she gave me the HcG (pregnancy hormone) numbers that indicated just how pregnant we were. The numbers were in the thousands, and having had twins before, I knew there had to be more than one little baby in there. Wow. Another miracle . . . two miracles! I have to say, there was something about that day, a feeling that our little Mila was there. I never forget that this is all because of her. Like I hoped she would, she touches every moment of my life, especially now.

We are almost thirteen weeks pregnant now and things look wonderful. Our babies look great (see below), and our dear GC is feeling good too. I am so proud and grateful as she takes good care of herself, her lovely family, and our babies. She is truly a gift from God.

It's hard to keep up with everything that's going on. I want my focus to be on my family, on Charlie and Sofie, and the holiday season. I want to relate, praise, and understand the miracles God has given us; to our family, the chance to have more babies, and to the world with the gift of His son. I am in total awe.

I will try to keep in touch more often as we enter the new year, but I am also trying to respect Chris's request for privacy. He needs to reflect and enjoy these blessings before sharing them with the world. I do too.

Here's wishing you all a very magical, joyous, holiday season. Thank you for so much love, kindness, and thoughtful prayer. We feel the support around us and we are so thankful.

With Love,
Laura

It worked!

The title of today's post says it all . . . it worked! Our gestational carrier (GC) is pregnant! I went from being crazy anxious all weekend to numb and surrendered by the time Monday morning rolled around. I found out Monday around lunch time but waited until today to share as we wanted to receive the results from a follow up HcG test this morning. The second test ensures that the numbers are still climbing and our GC is still pregnant. I know I've been 'lying in the weeds' (as my mom would say) for the last couple of days, but we had to be sure.

I am so grateful for those of you who prayed, sent positive energy, thoughts, and love. We wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for all of you. I've said it a million times, but God is so good! I put my faith in Him and he has brought us to this amazing, magical place. I also believe, with all of my heart, that our little Mila had a hand in all of this as well.

But, as we know all too well, the journey has just begun. More than ever, we need your prayers. While I trust God and the Universe more than I ever have, I have a feeling that Chris and I will spend the next eight months feeling terrified, worried, anxious, pushy, and neurotic at times. Please pray for our peace, acceptance, and trust. Please pray that our GC remains strong, healthy, and faithful.

We have been given the most amazing gift. Thank you for helping us get to this place, and for sharing this journey with us.

waiting

We are waiting.

Last Thursday we had our embryo transfer. Out of eight viable eggs, we had seven embryos. Then, the eighth egg fertilized and started to divide. But then, the strangest thing, only two embryos made it to the transfer stage. We transferred those two embryos into our gestational carrier's uterus, and that is it. There were no embryos to freeze. This is our one and only chance to conceive our own baby. We find out if we are pregnant on October 8.

I can't believe I'm sharing all of this. I am fairly modest and private most of the time, but I have chosen to share some very intimate details of our life all of a sudden. In the past, we would never have shared publicly that we are trying to have a baby. When we did get pregnant, we didn't share until we were well into the second trimester. So, why share all of this now?

Our lives have become extraordinary. Our journey is too big to keep to ourselves. We need help, we need support, we need prayers. How else do we stay afloat without reaching out to others? What I realize is that everyone is going to want to know whether we are pregnant or not. Right away, over and over, I will have to share that, yes, the transfer worked and we are gratefully pregnant. Or, I will have to face the heart breaking reality as I share many times over that no, we did not get pregnant, and no, there will be no baby. I want to say, "Please don't ask me.", but I still need you. We will need help with this no matter what the outcome.

How about this?  I will post here, as soon as I am able, whether there is a baby or not. I may or may not go into details. I may or may not want to talk about it in person. Please let me be. Please know that my gratitude for the love and support we have been given is indescribable. Thank you, thank you.

"Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 16:23

lucky number seven

Chris and I were both born in 1977.

Chris and I were married in the seventh month of the year on July 22, 2000.

Charlie and Sofie were born seven years later in 2007.

Our baby girl, Mila Louise, was born on the first day of the seventh month. July 1, 2011.

I have a total of seven babies. Two here on earth, five in heaven.

Today we have seven healthy embryos.

I have spent the last weekend in pain, bloated, nervous, afraid, pessimistic. We now know that even in the greatest of situations, the worst can happen in the blink of an eye. Today I want to share this bit of hope, of promise, and a whole lot of gratitude. God is good, so good! Please keep the prayers coming. Our embryo transfer will be on Thursday, September 27.

like riding a bike

Today my belly looks and feels like a pin cushion. We have begun our IVF cycle where I am stimulating my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible, which will then be fertilized with Chris's sperm and, five days later, transferred into my friend's uterus. Three injections into my stomach each day are helping develop the eggs in my ovaries (which my OB so graciously saved after my emergency hysterectomy last summer). Meanwhile, our beautiful gestational carrier is preparing her uterus to carry our baby for nine months. It is very similar to the injections I took when trying to conceive before. Our first and second pregnancies were a result of fertility drugs and doing it all again, well, it's just like riding a bike. It all came back to me. Alcohol swabs, mixing solutions, Q-Caps, needles, syringes, injection pens, Sharps container, etc. Never before have I been so grateful for what I went through to conceive our first babies.

Wow. This all just sounds so crazy, so incredible, and so awesome if it were to actually result in a live baby!

I can't decide how I feel about it all. Today I feel excited for it all to be over, to find out if we get to have another baby. I also feel afraid. What if it doesn't work? What if we just spent over $30,000 on nothing.  No, Chris and I did not have an extra $30,000 lying around. We've had to deplete most of our savings, ask family for help, and live more frugally. This lifestyle will continue as we will have to pay for fertility medication, medical insurance for our carrier, and many incidentals along the way. I'm trying not to complain. We are very blessed and even more grateful. This is stressful and scary. Not only do I think of the money that will have been wasted if this doesn't work, but the time. Time I could have been spending with Charlie and Sofie before they went off to kindergarten, time with my family, time getting back to my marriage, and time focusing on my new life without Mila.

It's been difficult moving on like this. I am not trying to replace Mila, but we are trying to have the baby we wanted, the sibling(s) that Charlie and Sofie wanted. Where is Mila in all of this? She's right here. Right next to me. You may think I'm crazy, but she talks to me. We talk to each other. Since her birth, I have felt her presence, her care, and her wisdom. I even went to an intuitive reading with a friend who works with spiritual guides. She confirmed my feelings and has helped me trust what my heart and mind feel. When I ask my sweet baby what will come of this journey, she tells me not to worry. She tells me that everything is going to work out, that we will have the baby we desire. Mila gives me strength, comfort, and joy as I know she is always near. A wonderful friend said she also believes that Mila is with me, and that maybe she has always been with me. My pregnancy and her birth was just her way of introducing herself to me. Now I know her, now I can feel her.

Only God knows how things will turn out, but I pray that it is good. I pray that, just this once, we be given an easy journey from start to finish. We've had to share what's going on with Charlie and Sofie because there's no way to hide appointments to the fertility doctor every other day, needles and fertility drugs in the bathroom. Such sweeties, they are very excited about the whole process. They love to watch their brave mommy give herself a shot morning and night. They love our carrier and her family and can't wait for another chance at having a baby brother or sister. They are so innocently optimistic right now. I pray that we don't have to give them any more bad news.

I hope you will pray, too. Please pray for our patience, comfort, and acceptance. Please pray that God guide our doctors as they try to perform a miracle. Please pray that God give us the grace to endure whatever lies ahead.