Patience . . .

My dear friends and family,

Thank you so much for your respectful patience. Chris and I have needed time to rest with the idea that we might just have another baby, or two, in the house. Yes, you read that right. I said two. Our gestational carrier is pregnant with twins! God willing, we will have two babies arriving late spring, 2013.

"I will sing the Lord's praise for He has been good to me."
Psalm 13:6

The day the nurse called to tell me that we were pregnant, she gave me the HcG (pregnancy hormone) numbers that indicated just how pregnant we were. The numbers were in the thousands, and having had twins before, I knew there had to be more than one little baby in there. Wow. Another miracle . . . two miracles! I have to say, there was something about that day, a feeling that our little Mila was there. I never forget that this is all because of her. Like I hoped she would, she touches every moment of my life, especially now.

We are almost thirteen weeks pregnant now and things look wonderful. Our babies look great (see below), and our dear GC is feeling good too. I am so proud and grateful as she takes good care of herself, her lovely family, and our babies. She is truly a gift from God.

It's hard to keep up with everything that's going on. I want my focus to be on my family, on Charlie and Sofie, and the holiday season. I want to relate, praise, and understand the miracles God has given us; to our family, the chance to have more babies, and to the world with the gift of His son. I am in total awe.

I will try to keep in touch more often as we enter the new year, but I am also trying to respect Chris's request for privacy. He needs to reflect and enjoy these blessings before sharing them with the world. I do too.

Here's wishing you all a very magical, joyous, holiday season. Thank you for so much love, kindness, and thoughtful prayer. We feel the support around us and we are so thankful.

With Love,
Laura

It worked!

The title of today's post says it all . . . it worked! Our gestational carrier (GC) is pregnant! I went from being crazy anxious all weekend to numb and surrendered by the time Monday morning rolled around. I found out Monday around lunch time but waited until today to share as we wanted to receive the results from a follow up HcG test this morning. The second test ensures that the numbers are still climbing and our GC is still pregnant. I know I've been 'lying in the weeds' (as my mom would say) for the last couple of days, but we had to be sure.

I am so grateful for those of you who prayed, sent positive energy, thoughts, and love. We wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for all of you. I've said it a million times, but God is so good! I put my faith in Him and he has brought us to this amazing, magical place. I also believe, with all of my heart, that our little Mila had a hand in all of this as well.

But, as we know all too well, the journey has just begun. More than ever, we need your prayers. While I trust God and the Universe more than I ever have, I have a feeling that Chris and I will spend the next eight months feeling terrified, worried, anxious, pushy, and neurotic at times. Please pray for our peace, acceptance, and trust. Please pray that our GC remains strong, healthy, and faithful.

We have been given the most amazing gift. Thank you for helping us get to this place, and for sharing this journey with us.

waiting

We are waiting.

Last Thursday we had our embryo transfer. Out of eight viable eggs, we had seven embryos. Then, the eighth egg fertilized and started to divide. But then, the strangest thing, only two embryos made it to the transfer stage. We transferred those two embryos into our gestational carrier's uterus, and that is it. There were no embryos to freeze. This is our one and only chance to conceive our own baby. We find out if we are pregnant on October 8.

I can't believe I'm sharing all of this. I am fairly modest and private most of the time, but I have chosen to share some very intimate details of our life all of a sudden. In the past, we would never have shared publicly that we are trying to have a baby. When we did get pregnant, we didn't share until we were well into the second trimester. So, why share all of this now?

Our lives have become extraordinary. Our journey is too big to keep to ourselves. We need help, we need support, we need prayers. How else do we stay afloat without reaching out to others? What I realize is that everyone is going to want to know whether we are pregnant or not. Right away, over and over, I will have to share that, yes, the transfer worked and we are gratefully pregnant. Or, I will have to face the heart breaking reality as I share many times over that no, we did not get pregnant, and no, there will be no baby. I want to say, "Please don't ask me.", but I still need you. We will need help with this no matter what the outcome.

How about this?  I will post here, as soon as I am able, whether there is a baby or not. I may or may not go into details. I may or may not want to talk about it in person. Please let me be. Please know that my gratitude for the love and support we have been given is indescribable. Thank you, thank you.

"Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." John 16:23

lucky number seven

Chris and I were both born in 1977.

Chris and I were married in the seventh month of the year on July 22, 2000.

Charlie and Sofie were born seven years later in 2007.

Our baby girl, Mila Louise, was born on the first day of the seventh month. July 1, 2011.

I have a total of seven babies. Two here on earth, five in heaven.

Today we have seven healthy embryos.

I have spent the last weekend in pain, bloated, nervous, afraid, pessimistic. We now know that even in the greatest of situations, the worst can happen in the blink of an eye. Today I want to share this bit of hope, of promise, and a whole lot of gratitude. God is good, so good! Please keep the prayers coming. Our embryo transfer will be on Thursday, September 27.

like riding a bike

Today my belly looks and feels like a pin cushion. We have begun our IVF cycle where I am stimulating my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible, which will then be fertilized with Chris's sperm and, five days later, transferred into my friend's uterus. Three injections into my stomach each day are helping develop the eggs in my ovaries (which my OB so graciously saved after my emergency hysterectomy last summer). Meanwhile, our beautiful gestational carrier is preparing her uterus to carry our baby for nine months. It is very similar to the injections I took when trying to conceive before. Our first and second pregnancies were a result of fertility drugs and doing it all again, well, it's just like riding a bike. It all came back to me. Alcohol swabs, mixing solutions, Q-Caps, needles, syringes, injection pens, Sharps container, etc. Never before have I been so grateful for what I went through to conceive our first babies.

Wow. This all just sounds so crazy, so incredible, and so awesome if it were to actually result in a live baby!

I can't decide how I feel about it all. Today I feel excited for it all to be over, to find out if we get to have another baby. I also feel afraid. What if it doesn't work? What if we just spent over $30,000 on nothing.  No, Chris and I did not have an extra $30,000 lying around. We've had to deplete most of our savings, ask family for help, and live more frugally. This lifestyle will continue as we will have to pay for fertility medication, medical insurance for our carrier, and many incidentals along the way. I'm trying not to complain. We are very blessed and even more grateful. This is stressful and scary. Not only do I think of the money that will have been wasted if this doesn't work, but the time. Time I could have been spending with Charlie and Sofie before they went off to kindergarten, time with my family, time getting back to my marriage, and time focusing on my new life without Mila.

It's been difficult moving on like this. I am not trying to replace Mila, but we are trying to have the baby we wanted, the sibling(s) that Charlie and Sofie wanted. Where is Mila in all of this? She's right here. Right next to me. You may think I'm crazy, but she talks to me. We talk to each other. Since her birth, I have felt her presence, her care, and her wisdom. I even went to an intuitive reading with a friend who works with spiritual guides. She confirmed my feelings and has helped me trust what my heart and mind feel. When I ask my sweet baby what will come of this journey, she tells me not to worry. She tells me that everything is going to work out, that we will have the baby we desire. Mila gives me strength, comfort, and joy as I know she is always near. A wonderful friend said she also believes that Mila is with me, and that maybe she has always been with me. My pregnancy and her birth was just her way of introducing herself to me. Now I know her, now I can feel her.

Only God knows how things will turn out, but I pray that it is good. I pray that, just this once, we be given an easy journey from start to finish. We've had to share what's going on with Charlie and Sofie because there's no way to hide appointments to the fertility doctor every other day, needles and fertility drugs in the bathroom. Such sweeties, they are very excited about the whole process. They love to watch their brave mommy give herself a shot morning and night. They love our carrier and her family and can't wait for another chance at having a baby brother or sister. They are so innocently optimistic right now. I pray that we don't have to give them any more bad news.

I hope you will pray, too. Please pray for our patience, comfort, and acceptance. Please pray that God guide our doctors as they try to perform a miracle. Please pray that God give us the grace to endure whatever lies ahead.

some thoughts

It's been a tough week. Maybe it's because in less than two weeks, Charlie and Sofie will be going to kindergarten and I will be home, alone and by myself. No baby. No one-year-old. Just a desperate hope that we will blessed again soon.

On Sunday we were at my sister's home for my nephew's 4th birthday party. It was a lot of fun and I was so thrilled to see my six-month-old niece. I love her so much and treasure the moments I get to hold her and snuggle with her. When other people held her or rocked her to sleep, however, I felt jealous. I wish my baby girl was here. Then, after baby Addy spit up in her crib and all over her darling, white cardigan, I scrubbed her crib sheet and took her sweater to the kitchen sink to rinse it out. I felt a sad, sinking feeling in my chest. I want to be knee-deep in spit-up, diapers, and drool. I've missed out on the gross baby chores. Oh, how I would love to be cleaning up Mila's messes.

I've been really worried about Charlie. He's very anxious about kindergarten. He has no idea what to expect and I can't seem to calm his fears. He's been misbehaving, regressing back to some toddler-like behaviors, and refuses to talk about what's going on. I wonder, what has the last two years done to my sweet babies?

It's been a long time since I had the energy and enthusiasm to play with Charlie and Sofie. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say that the television has been on a lot at our house. When I got pregnant in the fall of 2010, I was good and pregnant. I was sick and utterly exhausted for at least the first14 weeks. I had a little reprieve in the dead of winter, but then came the last trimester and I got tired again. I took lots of naps on the couch while Charlie and Sofie watched a lot of Disney and Pixar movies. I still haven't seen the middle sections of Tangled and The Princess and the Frog. Then, I gave birth to Mila. She died, I almost lost my life, and everything changed. Forever. I tried really hard at first to be normal, to jump in and be the mother of four-year-old twins. Then grief hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't cope. I turned on the t.v. to quiet the chatter. With the t.v. as the babysitter, I could read, rest, and cry. Charlie and Sofie have started calling me lazy. It breaks my heart. I don't want to be lazy, I want my life back.

We discovered "big kid shows" or what Charlie likes to call "laughing shows" on Disney Channel. The shows meant for kids 7 years and up. I'll admit, they're funny and kinda cute, but the kids on those shows say "dumb", "stupid", "shut up", and they use a lot of sarcasm. Some of the characters are down right brats and I'm starting to see the same characteristics in my little pre-kindergarteners. Charlie got into Star Wars and has decided that everyone is either a good guy or a villain to be battled. I took a good look at my children today and wondered what happened. What has our tragedy and my horrible state done to them? While I'm sleeping on our couch and crying on my therapists', Charlie and Sofie are being swallowed up by television and denied an innocent, nurturing early childhood. I'm still so angry this happened, that I wasn't able to protect and save our babies, and that their lives are forever affected by trauma, grief, and sorrow. God help us.

This week I am wearing a cute, baby doll style night gown that I bought before getting pregnant with Charlie and Sofie. It has a few small breast milk stains from when I nursed Charlie and Sofie.
I wish I had a baby to feed.

Not only am I supposedly lazy, but I feel so out of shape. I am still short of breath when I exert myself due to respiratory distress after Mila was born. I'm a recovering food addict and compulsive exerciser. I look in the mirror and 135 pounds looks like 300. I feel like a sluggish slob. So, I've started exercising, in a healthy way. Some days it's P90X, other days it's a few yoga poses. I feel more energetic and encouraged to keep it up. Yay me!

Lastly, I want to share a bit about our journey to conceive using a gestational carrier. My dear friend and uterus donor :) started taking her fertility medications this week. We will both be injecting ourselves with powerful fertility drugs both morning and night. We've both been there before and it's not fun. The amazing gift I have today is faith and trust. I have faith and trust in my dear friend to do her part honestly and humbly. I don't have to worry that she's forgetting her meds or not doing it right. If it were some stranger carrying a baby for us I would probably be freaking out. I'm not freaking out. I am full of faith in God's plan for our family and I am so incredibly grateful that He brought this amazing woman into my life seven years ago.

Thanks for reading.

shelter

We need a new roof. Badly. All of our neighbors have gotten new roofs in the last year or two and all of them were paid for by their insurance companies because of hail damage. Our roof looks horrible. It was installed one year before we bought our house eleven years ago and now the shingles are deteriorating due to a manufacturing defect. Apparently we do not have hail damage like all of our neighbors so we do not qualify for a free roof. Three contractors have been to our home to confirm this.

 

We need a new roof, but we want a baby more.

Yes, that's right. We want to have another baby.

Sofie asked me the other day, "Do all babies cost a lot of money, Mommy?" I said, "No, not usually. We didn't have to pay any money for Mila to grow in my tummy. She was a gift from God. But now, if we want to have another baby we need to pay doctors and lots of other people to help us." Sofie and Charlie both agreed that they'd rather have a new baby than a roof. I agreed.

When I first woke from my coma, my OB visited me in my hospital room and described in detail the two surgeries I had after I delivered Mila. The first was to remove my uterus and hopefully stop my body from hemorrhaging. It didn't work, so they could not close me up. My abdomen was stuffed with surgical sponges and towels as well as a drain. This was to remain in place until the doctors could get my infection and bleeding under control. It wasn't until five days later that my OB and a general surgeon could go back in and stitch me up. I was in rough shape. My OB was so kind as to fuse some of my abdominal muscles back together (a lasting side effect from my twin pregnancy), and she made sure my ovaries were intact, healthy and ready to be used when I wanted to harvest my eggs down the road. I remember laughing in my hospital room that day. Yeah right, I don't think I'll ever try to have another baby again. Enough is enough, or so I thought.

My friends didn't know who they were talking to when I said that we were done, that this tragedy had taken it's toll and there was now way we were going to have any more children. They said it wasn't like me to give up. They were right. It wasn't long before my arms ached, not only for Mila, but for a baby. I thought holding my friends' babies would help, but it hasn't. We want more. We want a sibling, or two, for Charlie and Sofie. Adoption didn't seem like the right choice when we knew that there was still a way to have a child that is biologically ours. As crazy as it seemed at the time, we decided to look into the idea of using a gestational carrier.

A lot of wonderful and complicated things have taken place since we decided to begin this new journey. I will save this amazing story for another day. What needs to be said is that we wouldn't be where we are without our sweet Mila, without God's grace, and the support of some very special friends and family members. As of today, we have signed contracts with a surrogacy agency and an incredible woman who has agreed to be our gestational carrier. She is a friend of mine whom I love dearly and is an incredible example of God's amazing love and grace. We are scheduled to begin our first IVF schedule in September and will need nothing short of a miracle. Yes, another miracle!

What we really need is your prayers. 

We pray that God guide our doctors and help us patiently wait for His will to be done. We pray for strength and courage when things don't go according to our plans, and we pray for security when feel stretched both financially and emotionally.

My biggest fear for the coming months is that in all of our anticipation and excitement for new life, our darling Mila will be forgotten or that the tragedy that brought us here in the first place will be minimized. I am constantly trying to fill our lives with reminders of our precious baby girl. Recently, we planted a hydrangea plant and created a Mila Garden in our backyard. It's a place I hope to go to for connection with my baby and and to remember that her life and her love lives on every single day. Mila came and left us for a reason too huge for me to comprehend. I may not ever understand why things happened the way they did, but once again, we are seeing pain turn into joy. We are finally able to hope for better days. Again, we realize that without the heartache of our past, we would not be able to enjoy the blessings of today.

 Each of us wrote letters to Mila and placed them in the ground with the hydrangea plant. My Gramma gave me gardening lime with the plant to hopefully turn the flowers pink.

Mila's garden isn't finished yet. I hope to get a special statue or stepping stone. In the spring, the plan is to plant some pink annuals in honor of our baby girl. 

Here, and everywhere else we share our story, her beauty lives on forever.