19 days of living: day two

Day two was fine. I feel proud and honored to be Mila's mommy. My Facebook page was on fire this weekend as so many friends and family members remembered our story and our sweet angel, Mila. Today I am feeling grateful, but also tired. I wonder if I'll hit the wall in a couple of days, realizing that I am in year two, that it's been a whole year since Mila was here.

I'm not sure how to think or act for the next few weeks. Last year at this time I was literally nowhere. I was in a coma and completely oblivious to the world around me. I missed 12 days of life, and spent 7 more days stuck in the hospital during a heat wave, much like we are having again here in MN. Nurses said, "Oh, you don't want to be out there. It's so gross out there in the heat and humidity." I wanted to tell them to screw themselves. Are you kidding? I've been here for 17 days! It could have been a hurricane outside and I would have rather been there, with my family, than stuck in that hospital bed.

Today was pretty normal. Chris is home this week for the 4th of July and a little staycation at home. A couple things struck me and tugged at my heart today. The first was when we went shopping as a family. The four of us were walking from the car to the store and I noticed our reflection in the store window. We were holding hands, all four of us in a row. It was like we were this strong force that could not be broken. I admired us and thought about what a beautiful family I have. We are all survivors.

The other funny and joyful thing that happened was at lunch. I am not proud of this, but it made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. My husband has a terrible mouth. He's a sweet, kind man, but he sure likes to curse! He said the word dumb ass, as in "What a dumb ass." Charlie and Sofie thought it was funny and, of course, I tried to keep a serious face. Charlie didn't understand the word, and tried to repeat it saying "dumass". "Daddy you're a dumass, Sofie you're a dumass" Everyone was laughing by then, especially Sofie, sitting in her corner of the kitchen table giggling while she said, "Ha Ha, dumb ass, stupid head, shut up!" over and over again. As you can imagine it would with two potty-talking five year olds, it just escalated from there. We had to have another discussion about grown up words and appropriate words at the table. Again, I tried to be serious, but I had laughed so hard at the silliness of it all. My heart felt big as I imagined Mila giggling and screaming with us. It also made me feel reassured that the four of us are ok. We are survivors.